Com passion

Where do I get it?
How can I start being as kind and as gentle I am to others- to myself.

Cause right now I really need to know.

I’m aching and I don’t understand why I feel bad
I can’t get out of bed and I have to get out of bed

How do I calm down and just accept the fact that right now I need to be in bed cause it’s freezing and I’m with fever.

I get it god, universe. I get it. I need to just feel whatever I feel and be what need to be right now.

But you chose a bad moment to test me, cause it hasn’t been a while for not being triggered by being in bed all day.

Pray for me.

Who am I? I am

The scariest part about this episode of panic attacks as oppose to the one in late 2008, is that I’m actually learning from it. I’m not trying to shame my younger self, if anything I’m amazed at how strong she is dealing with it not knowing what it is. She was certain she was dying and nobody else knew it yet.

I dug deep to my long buried pain. It’s challenging with repressed memories but along with the pain comes relief, relief of allowing and not fighting to deny. Along with the horrible mess came the good part of being a kid I totally forgot about. I’m finally having some images about myself as a kid and it’s wonderful! I feel more connected to myself. I feel more whole.
But the scariest part about digging deep and detaching from your pain and fear is you have no ground to support you and you can find yourself terrieid and alone. The whole story you told yourself about who you are is slowly fading and you’re left standing alone naked in a white room. I choose still to see it as a blessing. Not many get this opportunity in their life to start over or to finally be who they really are, their authentic self. Yet it’s terrifying.
I don’t know who I am anymore, the first time I felt it I had reacurring vertigos. But the thing about oneself to know is not everything about yourself can be written down in a list. There’s this infinite river of inexplicable moments of light that once flow through me and now I am not sure what to make of it. Is it still me? Am I still that person? Or am I this new person that once held those moments and in constant journey to the next one.

I really don’t know. I feel kinda finished asking questions. I just let go & be.
Never thought I’d say that, being the sensitive helpless control obsessed creature I am.

Or.

Or maybe I found myself saying that just now because this whole new naked me is no longer that?

Baby steps

Hey.
Been having a weird day.
When I say weird I mean it precisely that. After months of awful lava burnning hell and few good days here and there today I feel just stable?
I don’t feel wow happy but I also don’t feel panicked and terrified…
I guess it’s good. That’s what stable people feel like?! Sure, it’s average but MAN it’s nice not to be constantly excited or filled with rush of millions of emotions and thoughts…
I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. Maybe when I was 17 or 7….

I had my 26th birthday few weeks ago. I feel like I’m liking getting old, I feel like the older I’ll get the more comfortable I’ll be in my body.
Most of the panic I feel about it, is that all my mental/emotional problems had me pausing my life and taking care of myself regardsless of my condition or who I am….Sometimes in the form of meditation(often…) that my panic is not about getting old as much as how off track I am from where I wanna be.
I learn everday to accept that I am where I need to be(this last few months left that mark tattooed on me)
But, I’m so off track, I’m can’t even see how it’s gonna happen. I know I don’t need to see necessarily and just believe it’ll happen, but at the same time I’m my own life’s creator. So I have to get to business…..
Thing that kinda annoys me is that my life goal is not as insane as it can get but more of a lifestyle. More of living my life just somewhere else. In a different country. Grocery shopping, knitting, reading booking, baking, washing the dishes and over the sink having a window out to a yard or a small garden. Driving around a forest countryside.
I am where I am. But that life, is really me. And I see myself there in my mindseye.

This will be depressing if I haven’t also learned that to get from A-Z you gotta go through all the rest of the letters….
Life is funny that way.
Nothing you expect to look and feel like one way actually feels that way at the end.

Gotta work harder. Gotta have patience. Gotta have acceptance and allowance. Gotta have trust in the universe to know what’s it doing.

That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my dark ghostly nights(that’s how I’ve been reffering to this period). The pain is HORRIBLE. and it feels like the literal and figurative ways of what you’d imagine A LIVING HELL like, and I don’t think I’d be able to say it if I wasn’t getting better, which is: I needed this. Just then just like that. I don’t deserve to hurt but it forced me to pause and observe my body, observe my pain- up close. And ultimately to set free baggage, the pain I’ve been holding onto to feel adequate. The obssesive destructive thoughts that were unconsciously in a loop. To see what’s not needed anymore for my survival.
I used to be in a constant helpless state. For 24 years. I was freaking out. As happy and namaste as ‘being reborn’ sounds like it’s creepling. It feels like losing your memory, I didn’t realize how much humans rely on memory to make sense of things. Not having something to hold onto, as pure potential as it has, I was already feeling it in the physical sense. I had awful vertigos and shaking and more other “cute” physical sensations.

I try and trust the universe. At first it was impossible. How can I trust something that wanna hurt me? But now I see all the huge life lessons I’ve needed to learn from this. I feel like this enabled me to keep walking lighter and straighter….

I’m back TAKE #who knows.

Look,  I’m trying to do this blogging thing and it doesn’t stick. I fantasize of blogging once a day, I dream of blogging once a week, but I’d settle for even writing for once a month and even that doesn’t work.

So.

What am I going to do?

Have no idea.

In the beginning it was easier since WordPress kept reminded me to write but now I’m so out of it.

I’ve been through so much since the last time I wrote, and the cosmos knows how badly I need writing in my life right now, but having mental problems plus some nice focus problem doesn’t exactly help with making it a doable task.

I wanna write. To someone. To myself. I’m desperate for  catharsis.

Despite self cultivation, therapy, and putting down at last, countless of heavy toxic cargo that I had to put down cause it was getting heavier and I got lighter. It’s no use for me anymore.

Yes I hurt, yes I lived years with abusive family but my pain is finally validated  I don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore. I was there- it was true. I don’t need more than that.
It hurt to the bones my own family, my parents, MY MOTHER doesn’t see me, doesn’t see who I am, doesn’t see my magic, my value. I think it’ll always hurt, so knowing that makes it easier to keep going or get distracted with better feeling, better people who see my light.

Maybe I’ll write more if I won’t edit.
If I write anything that just comes up, even if it’s one word, I think it’s better than remembering to write once 6 months…..

Hope you to me soon.
Hang in there you.

Who says you can’t be happy all the time?

Had an amazing few days.
Maybe, if I was a different person, or to people from outside it looks like nothing special happened, but since I am;
Me I am high on pure moments where silence and me meet, between new friends and moods. Shared experiences.

I had the most fascinating interaction with H&H on the train, it was like music, it was like skipping between clouds. From one subject to another. We laughed, we enjoyed one another’s company. It’s rare for me to have a positive social interaction with almost 100% anxiety free.
I guess we were all high on exhaustion. I suspect they enjoy it too but I think it matters more for me, since I am me
I share moments from inside of me and I think in that moment I was different.
Yeah, that’s what it was. I was me, but I reflect and experienced that moment different- within me, I made our entire same chemistry and interaction different because I was tired.

I know, sadly, next time I read this post I would probably wouldn’t exactly know what I was talking about, it happened to me few times in my life, where I existed in a moment and nothing else mattered. Everything slowed down, I existed clean in my head.

I was hurting so bad, my feet hurt so bad from walking all day, my head hurt, my eyes were red from lack of sleep, my jaw hurt, I was a mess yet I was in a transcendent happiness…Pure extract 100% organic free light…..love.

20 minutes before arriving at the last stop, home, a teenage girl, handed me a paper with drawings on it(hypnotoad, edward scissorhands) and at the bottom it said: You made me smile, have a nice day.
She ran off, I didn’t get to see her face. I’m curious. Since I don’t have many friends, it’s nice to be appreciated, but I don’t think I’m gonna look for her. I am gonna hold on to the paper, and once in a while, have a look at it to remind myself I am awesome.
I have to believe it.
I wanted to run after her cause my instinct was she probably didn’t mean me but maybe H. or meant plural ‘you’. But she gave it to me, she didn’t put it on the table for us all.
I need to stop with this self denying and accept the fact that I’m funny and witty, because I am, I know I am. I learn slowly to change the habit of oppressing who I am, I practically learned to do that since forever, I need to reveal myself as a whole that I am and love all that it is me;
I am a treasure.
I am beautifully brilliant, in all my incredible ways, and as much as it’s nice to be appreciated by others, I am me;
I, will celebrate myself for myself cause it’s on top of it all that I will see it
Before,
Any other.
I will open my eyes,
And see
That I
Am
Me.

I’m back

This is probably not going to be the first or last time I’m gonna forget about blogging. But I am making a commitment here, okay? Whatever happens I will come back, eventually.

Two days after my last post I got married. I was dressed in white and he was dressed in black and white. Went to the beach, ate pizza danced a little.
After a week we went to Finland. It was hypnotizing. Didn’t get to see the northern light which crashed my heart…..

I’m in a really dark weird part of my life, I’m constantly changing. I’m trying to be better, I try to remember I already am good, remind myself who I am and what I want. Remembering that that’s what it’s all about.
I can’t just pause my life waiting for my nightmares to happen, well, obviously I can cause that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months, but enough is enough, a new year has started. We were not meant to carry our burden forever. I put it down, and now going for a new adventure.

The moment

We’ve been waiting for is finally here.

Had a planned-to-be-relaxed-but-turned-out-somewhat-busy week. Got the pictures on a disc from the photographer, met my best friend whom I haven’t seen in a while, The Kid brought me a sweatshirt to her house on his own mind(<3). Got to see the pictures only later that night, had to pick 250 out of 1000 for his to develop. But I only got around to it the next day cause I went off to bed.

Next day we went to The Kid’s parents house, and ERMUGAD!!! we bought plan tickets to Finland! Also, booked few nights in the cabin I wanted to stay in! So freaking excited. Hard to keep it in.   

Earlier this week(monday), went to the doctor to find out about the results of the tests I did. Fortunately!!!! I don’t have what I always fear from, The Kid was there to hold my hand. The doctor comforted me and said she had one and it’s not dangerous.

*Note to self: Need to appreciate the fact that I AM ALERT, and as long as I keep taking care of myself and keep being alert everything will remain peachy.

Found out I have helicobacter(which is a kind of bacteria in the stomach), kinda scared but I’m treating it and that is what’s important.

Last Saturday as an unmarried woman, getting married in Wednesday!!!

I wanna scream from the top of of my lungs;

I’m happy!!!!!

Heena!

Event finally over.
With all the joy, beauty, and happiness. I’m glad it’s over and behind me.
Thanking god for my blessing, for the people who made it possible, and that it went smoothly without worries ahead. Just moving on with my life (:
To the next good thing.

Mikveh. So glad I didn’t elope to Finland just so I could get to experience this.
The traditional jewish ritual immersion, for the new bride. The night before the wedding. I waited for this, more for the wedding itself, which is a week from now if everything goes according to plan. 

Realized I have all the results to my tests back and I should go back to my doctor, trying to not deal with it like the hypochondriac that I am, and just go and trust the doctor to do her job. *exhaling*

Excited. 

Gonna have The Kid all to myself. He’s….a new word.
He’s my home.

I love him so much, in all my experiences did I ever begin to imagine I’d end up with someone as incredibly otherworldly, sensitive, gentle, free fragile spirit…and he loves ME!

I”M SO LUCKY!

LOVE,
Till the next time, 
Natanela

Taaaa!

Sick.5 days from the event before the big day.
Allergies.
To something in the air, 
To people who suck the air out of me.

Glad I’m in my house., in my room, Away from that toxic.

Vitamin C, hot cocoa, and looking online for natural ways to treat allergies (if there’s something)

Be good.

Phew.

It’s been hell of two weeks.
Never felt more adult in my life. So much to do, so many bureaucratic work.

I write cause one day, hopefully not far enough, I will be living with The Kid and we’ll do our routines. Reading books knitting and playing video games. I fantasize about these days.

I don’t have it in me. I am not driven by stress by more and more meetings and stuff to get done. I can’t believe there are people out there who spent their entire lives like that. I don’t consider this living.

I’m alive when I can breath. Yeah, breathing is an unconscious process controlled by the autonomic nervous system, you can’t do anything about that. But I mean, Breathing! http://www.sounds.beachware.com/2illionzayp3may/wlvwsikf/BIGBRETH.mp3. Wether your watching an episodes of a new favorite show or reading. Just sitting, relaxed, knowing you don’t have anything planned for today, and for a moment, even a nervous wreck like me, can live without a care in the world!

I can’t believe people enjoy this, I feel sorry for them. Letting life pass them by.

So, we’re so close to be bound together, forever. Few more weeks of sleep free, stress, social anxiety, and that’s it. 
I love him, and when I look at him, everyday, I know that I don’t have one doubt in my mind we’re good together and we’re going to be happy. He’s the best, and my favorite risk I will choose everyday to take.

Hopefully, next time I’ll come here, we’ll be married already, or on our way,
Till then,
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night ❤