I can feel it again!

Kicking!

No, not a monster in my belly. At least not yet. 

Me and The Kid(aka my love) were planning to get married in Finland for 2 months now. At first everything went pretty smoothly.
Paperwork, passport, dress, ring etc. 

For two weeks nothing seem to go right, and it got paused. We didn’t know clearly what we need to do in order to have it done there, or knew too much and got confused. Finally, we got an answer back from Finland, and things are simple again.

I’m excited again. Picturing it vividly again.

Can’t wait.

*♪ My heart is beating like a jungle drum….*

Captive’s choice

“Alright, listen here, dear Mr. Captive”
*Slap*
*Recovering* “Okay, I…ummm.”
*Slap right-slap left*
*Stares, pissed off* “Ah! What now?!”
*Shrugs* “I guess I just hate when people open their mouth before they know what they’re about to say…”
“Just drop me in a fucking forest?”
*Threatening look*
*Rolling eyes* “Sorry”
*Wide smile*Kicks me off of the helicopter*

I sink. Nothing is gonna catch me now, but the loving yet merciless embrace of mother earth.
I reach to grab something, anything, but I just crack up laughing, I can’t hold on to air!? what am I trying to do here…
I’m panicking.
My face is far behind me, like miniature parachute.
I’m reaching the ground, my legs are kicking wildly, I land on a half  hard moss pillow.
My back is damn near broken. Always hated how in the movies they get up after a second with a little bit of dust and a tiny harmless bruise on their elbow…

I lied there, aching.
An endless chain of curse words…

After an hour or so, I woke up, I smiled. I saw treetops and the light blue sky, “This is my heaven”, I thought.
I got up, slowly, making sure I didn’t in fact DIED. Thanking mother earth and the helicopter pilot for being generous enough to lower it.
I walked amongst trees, I had the urge to skip between the moss but I wasn’t stable enough yet.

I was astounded. I wanted to be here my entire life, and I finally found it . Growing up in a desert, I daydreamed about forests. The comforting feeling of not being alone and being surrounded by tall and slender guardians. My eyes enjoyed the shades of green, I was so happy.

I would die here. Happily.

*Hesitantly* Hey

I’m here.

Who am I?
I’m in love, I’m cold. I have one fresh cat scratch and 3 healing ones. I currently eat cheese and chocolate.
I think about kids, I think about Finland. 

I am usually a ///…\\\nervous wreck///…\\\, but when I do manage to be happy, (which is not at all what it sounds like (=an effort; a conscious decision)) it’s usually getting caught in a moment, and in that moment I am free from every mortal burden, attached to my physical body by a fragile silk thread.

I’m struggling with writing, I need to be relaxed in order to do it, but…most of the time I am

Not.

So, I think….mmhp.

I  think I’ll experiment here with my writing, maybe if I manage to let it go, maybe I feel like nobody is reading this, nobody’s her to criticize me, maybe if I lose *my* body, maybe then, I’ll be able to write freely.
Maybe if I  stay here staring at the keyboard staring back at me, the letters so confused. Staring at the screen, innocent. Maybe if I manage to catch those illusive balloon-thoughts, maybe if I jump high enough and bust them with my sharp fingers, Maybe JUST maybe then, I’ll write like I always dreamt of writing,

For now,

I send you warm hugs
and love.

Right now, that’s all I have to give you.
You- whether a random reader or future struggling me.

“אנחנו נמצא את האוצר”