Baby steps

Hey.
Been having a weird day.
When I say weird I mean it precisely that. After months of awful lava burnning hell and few good days here and there today I feel just stable?
I don’t feel wow happy but I also don’t feel panicked and terrified…
I guess it’s good. That’s what stable people feel like?! Sure, it’s average but MAN it’s nice not to be constantly excited or filled with rush of millions of emotions and thoughts…
I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. Maybe when I was 17 or 7….

I had my 26th birthday few weeks ago. I feel like I’m liking getting old, I feel like the older I’ll get the more comfortable I’ll be in my body.
Most of the panic I feel about it, is that all my mental/emotional problems had me pausing my life and taking care of myself regardsless of my condition or who I am….Sometimes in the form of meditation(often…) that my panic is not about getting old as much as how off track I am from where I wanna be.
I learn everday to accept that I am where I need to be(this last few months left that mark tattooed on me)
But, I’m so off track, I’m can’t even see how it’s gonna happen. I know I don’t need to see necessarily and just believe it’ll happen, but at the same time I’m my own life’s creator. So I have to get to business…..
Thing that kinda annoys me is that my life goal is not as insane as it can get but more of a lifestyle. More of living my life just somewhere else. In a different country. Grocery shopping, knitting, reading booking, baking, washing the dishes and over the sink having a window out to a yard or a small garden. Driving around a forest countryside.
I am where I am. But that life, is really me. And I see myself there in my mindseye.

This will be depressing if I haven’t also learned that to get from A-Z you gotta go through all the rest of the letters….
Life is funny that way.
Nothing you expect to look and feel like one way actually feels that way at the end.

Gotta work harder. Gotta have patience. Gotta have acceptance and allowance. Gotta have trust in the universe to know what’s it doing.

That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my dark ghostly nights(that’s how I’ve been reffering to this period). The pain is HORRIBLE. and it feels like the literal and figurative ways of what you’d imagine A LIVING HELL like, and I don’t think I’d be able to say it if I wasn’t getting better, which is: I needed this. Just then just like that. I don’t deserve to hurt but it forced me to pause and observe my body, observe my pain- up close. And ultimately to set free baggage, the pain I’ve been holding onto to feel adequate. The obssesive destructive thoughts that were unconsciously in a loop. To see what’s not needed anymore for my survival.
I used to be in a constant helpless state. For 24 years. I was freaking out. As happy and namaste as ‘being reborn’ sounds like it’s creepling. It feels like losing your memory, I didn’t realize how much humans rely on memory to make sense of things. Not having something to hold onto, as pure potential as it has, I was already feeling it in the physical sense. I had awful vertigos and shaking and more other “cute” physical sensations.

I try and trust the universe. At first it was impossible. How can I trust something that wanna hurt me? But now I see all the huge life lessons I’ve needed to learn from this. I feel like this enabled me to keep walking lighter and straighter….

I’m back TAKE #who knows.

Look,  I’m trying to do this blogging thing and it doesn’t stick. I fantasize of blogging once a day, I dream of blogging once a week, but I’d settle for even writing for once a month and even that doesn’t work.

So.

What am I going to do?

Have no idea.

In the beginning it was easier since WordPress kept reminded me to write but now I’m so out of it.

I’ve been through so much since the last time I wrote, and the cosmos knows how badly I need writing in my life right now, but having mental problems plus some nice focus problem doesn’t exactly help with making it a doable task.

I wanna write. To someone. To myself. I’m desperate for  catharsis.

Despite self cultivation, therapy, and putting down at last, countless of heavy toxic cargo that I had to put down cause it was getting heavier and I got lighter. It’s no use for me anymore.

Yes I hurt, yes I lived years with abusive family but my pain is finally validated  I don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore. I was there- it was true. I don’t need more than that.
It hurt to the bones my own family, my parents, MY MOTHER doesn’t see me, doesn’t see who I am, doesn’t see my magic, my value. I think it’ll always hurt, so knowing that makes it easier to keep going or get distracted with better feeling, better people who see my light.

Maybe I’ll write more if I won’t edit.
If I write anything that just comes up, even if it’s one word, I think it’s better than remembering to write once 6 months…..

Hope you to me soon.
Hang in there you.